Take Obama, please

As we go to print, America remains in limbo. A country politically divided was promised “change” and told to “believe” – and atheist democrats bought that crap. Still, fearless Fuhrer Barack Obama has yet to pull the giant, liberal lever.

Where are the same-sex marriages during halftime of “Monday Night Football”? Why wasn’t there a “toke-sesh” on the White House lawn on 4/20? Oh right, Obama was either too busy faking he prays or plays golf, or doing a much-needed photo-op with some NASCAR drivers. Make no mistake, Obama will drink your grandmother’s blood for approval ratings. I seent it!

Obama hasn’t even fixed the easy stuff. There’s no legitimate reason gay marriage isn’t legal. Anyone who bought in to “hope” and “change” and isn’t pissed gay marriage wasn’t made legal throughout the lower 48 – Hawaii can enjoy its volcanoes, Alaska has the dumbest voters not really in the country – is a hypocrite and so is the Shooting-Guard-In-Chief (Also, I realize “dumb voter” is redundant).

Gay marriage is the simplest issue in modern politics. Gay people don’t come from gay storks, it’s genetics. Gays aren’t a threat to the American nuclear family, they came from American nuclear families. Bigger threats to the American nuclear family: joblessness (now at an all-time, holy-poop high), living near a nuclear reactor, anyone who pronounces nuclear incorrectly, unmarried aunts who give out toothbrushes for halloween, the Domino’s Pizza effect, cats and vampires, because, man, if they were real we’d be done.

And, please, before you typecast me as the typical writer in a college newspaper clamoring for marijuana to be legal, just hear me out (Is it 4:20 yet?). I’m not suggesting some sort of unregulated free-for-all where everyone’s high all-day (although…). I’m merely pointing out Mexico is now more progressive on this issue than America. You heard me, Mexico. When’s the last time it bested us in anything we care about? Sorry, nobody cares about soccer. What are you talking about? We’re great at football!

The only thing better than football is the football legal system. Lesson one: Running an illegal dog-fighting ring and brutally killing upward of thirty dogs gets about the same amount of jail time as accidentally shooting yourself in the thigh; and killing a man while driving drunk only gets a month plus some house arrest. Is it Sunday yet?

So, Obama ignored two main social issues and all the people those laws affect (millions of gays, the 885,000 people jailed on marijuana possession in 2008 and all the people who could’ve used the government money it took to jail those people, so everyone). But, at least the bailout is kinda sorta, not really, working. The only silver lining is health care is so screwed up you’ll probably die before were all speaking Chinese. Woo-OBAMA-Obama-OBAMA! Yes-we-can.

Here we are democrats … You got your guy in, and we’re still all screwed. You can’t blame the people who walk into voting booths thinking, “Well, Bill O’Rielly said…” this time. Please mess this up enough for a Cheney/Palin ticket. I’ll have no more use for this planet and go live on the moon with Michael Jackson, where it’s safe.


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