This is an article I thought I’d never have to write. The unthinkable has happened, and everyone’ favorite eagle mascot has been found dead as of April 1, 2021. I have included a photo of the crime scene, but I must warn you, they contain graphic imagery that may be sensitive to some viewers. View this image at your own risk. I have gathered information from a variety of sources, and will do my best to retell the story as it was relayed to me.
I had an interview with an anonymous campus goose who witnessed the whole thing. I am not fluent in Honklish, but I am conversational and will translate. *ahem* “Honk honk hiss honk, (You didn’t hear it from me, but, between you and I, Swoop was kind of the Pablo Escabar of the Avians around here)”, the Goose told me. Apparently, our beloved Eagle has quite the underground network amongst the Geese on campus.
It also seems as though it doesn’t stop at our feathered friends. Some of you may remember that a few weeks ago a Raccoon was found in Mark Jefferson. Another anonymous source told me that this was all a cover for the operations going on behind closed doors. I was also told of a Beaver in the Rec building on campus which was also a distraction. I was able to get in contact with the beaver, but he didn’t have much to say and he just kept weirdly chewing on a plank of wood the whole time and making this god awful squeaking sound.
I have been told that the week leading up to today was a series of events that caused his death. They called it a “Feather Bender”. During this week, the crimes Swoop have been compiled into a list which includes, but is not limited to:
Grand Theft Auto (I wondered who stole my car from Green Lot)
Abuse of Goose
Failure to appear in Cornell Court
Organizing a Fight Club amongst the Koi
And Blue Jaywalking
Sources say that the moments leading up to his death are gruesome and climactic. His failure to follow through with a debt payment is the suspected cause of his murder. No one is 100% sure who it was who committed the crime, but some say it was the campus Squirrels. There were several letters found in the Nest of Swoop signed with footprints that an ecology student has identified as a Squirrel paw.
Swoop was found headless and bled out after what authorities believe is 12 hours after death. Blood was able to be collected and tests show a heavy use of many substances within his bloodstream, including pool water from the Rec, Goose feces (suspected poisoning, not self-administered), and what they could only describe as a mystery goo that matched test results from the bottom of the campus lake.
Although the truth has come out about our Beloved Swoop, I think we all still have that same love for him in our hearts. Campus will be accepting new applicants for mascots soon, so keep an eye out for an email from University Communications. Services for Swoop will be held at the old Paper Mill, but I have been warned that it may not be the best idea for the public to attend for “Safety Reasons.” If you or anyone you know is struggling with the loss of our Winged Friend, feel free to reach out to CAPS. And as always, APRIL FOOLS!
Editors Note: This was part of The Eastern Echo’s April Fools’ tradition.