My beloved EMU students, I write to you out of desperation to beckon you to action. We as a nation have yet again become afflicted with “reefer madness.” I speak, of course, of the widespread use and gradual legalization of cannabis.

This epidemic was experienced first during the late 1960s. The side effects were mortifying. Millions of people became red-eyed, friendly, peace loving, insatiably horny and ravenously hungry potheads.

Peripheral damages included more thoughtful and experimental music; a greater appreciation for Asian culture and philosophy; mass antiwar sentiments expressed in art, prose and protest; Jack Kerouac; the rising trend of white people donning dreadlocks; the entire musical and comedic catalogue of Cheech & Chong; and tie-dye clothing.

Since then, our parents have tediously fought in the bloody trenches of cultural warfare to needlessly stigmatize this benign substance, and now it seems their patriotic efforts will be for naught.

In the 2008 election, the Michigan Medical Marijuana Act was passed in Michigan, legalizing the medicinal use of marijuana. This, my fellow citizens, is an affront to the irrational prejudices and social paranoia our glorious nation was founded upon.

Thank Christ our university administration is sensible – and sober – enough to shepherd us from our own blazed hedonism, having deemed our beautiful campus a “drug-free zone.” Therefore, all use of marijuana, medicinal or otherwise, is banned.

This might seem naive, perhaps even fascist, given that it directly contradicts the democratically manifested will of the citizens of Michigan. But I ask you in earnest, why should we be granted our legal right to indulge in a natural, non-addictive, virtually harmless substance to manage our pain or boredom when hardworking bio-chemical engineers have painstakingly synthesized dozens of artificial, highly addictive, variably toxic and extremely costly uppers, downers and everything-in-betweeners?

The simple truth is weed is downright awful stuff. The side effects alone ought be enough to deter anyone from using it. It makes you happy, makes food taste more delectably dynamic than ever before, makes music inescapably hypnotic and enrapturing, and makes coitus more earth-shatteringly orgasmic than you could have previously dreamt. My God, why would that be alluring to anyone?

My apologies to all those hippie-dippy stoners, users and hummus-eating losers, but the bottom line is if you want to get messed up and stay on campus, you’ll have to abuse one of the various drugs traditionally accepted by our bass-ackward culture.

Valium, Vicodin, Oxycontin, Xanax or any other unreasonably hazardous narcotic can be legally procured and imbibed – even on campus — simply with a prescription from a doctor.

Be wary my fellow students. Some might see the coming era as an unprecedented opportunity for socially enlightened drug legislation, but I insist we do everything in our power to safeguard the paranoid delusions and ignorant pretensions of our spiritually repressed society.

We must always remember the great philosopher Bodie Thoene, who so rightly said apathy is the glove in which stoners hide their stash.

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