Large reptile threatens EMU's students

A large reptile, believed to be from the Mesozoic era, has recently been spotted living in the lake outside of the Eastern Michigan University Student Center, according to reports.

The reptile has been described as having a long neck with a horse like head, its body is believed to have multiple humps and it is estimated to be between 20 to 30 feet long. Eyewitnesses have said they believe the creature to be a relative of Nessie, the Loch Ness Monster.

Professional cryptologist, Vicki Behne, said that such a creature would have an estimated weight of at least 2,500 pounds, would likely be a carnivore and it is possible the creature was able to find its way to Ypsilanti through underground waterways.

“It is believed that there are caverns in the lake at EMU that connect to underground rivers and deposit into the Great Lakes,” Behne said. “It is entirely plausible that the creature was able to find its way from the depths of Lake Superior to Eastern Michigan University.”

If this is true, could the creature survive in its new ecosystem?

“This creature has an unlimited food supply at EMU,” Behne said. “New freshmen enroll in the university every year and after orientation many are never heard from again. It does not take a doctorate in mathematics to add one plus one equals two.”

Adam Karr, The Eastern Echo’s photography editor, caught a picture of the beast when on assignment photographing the fall foliage around campus.

“It just rose from the depths,” Karr said. “I could not believe what I was seeing. It reared up and then swallowed an entire flock of geese whole. It was terrifying to behold, but I could not tear my eyes away from the beast.”

EMU DPS has increased patrols around the lake and there are talks of bringing in the Ypsilanti S.W.A.T. unit and housing them in the Student Center until the threat level of the creature can be determined. It has been recommended that SEEUS, Student Eyes and Ears for University Safety, avoid the area for the time being and escort students to their vehicles via alternate paths.

Editor-In-Chief of The Echo, Nora Naughton, also saw what the reptile can do firsthand and does not think that is enough.

“I was covering a Student Government Senate meeting in the Student Center, and I stepped out of the meeting to take a phone call,” Naughton said. “I looked out the window and there it was. Students were fleeing in all directions and the reptile was reveling in chasing them and snapping at their heels. Its eyes gleamed with pure evil.”

Other student groups disagree with Naughton’s assessment, however. Shelby Taylor, president of Students for the Betterment of Dinosaur Life, said the creature is just being misunderstood.

“It is most likely that the reptile in the EMU Lake is a descendant of the plesiosaur,” Taylor said. “Snapping at the backs of creatures is typical playful behavior for the reptile and is indicative of typical social interaction for the species. It is likely it was just lonely and looking for a friend.”

While rumors grow about what the fiend may be capable of, students are demanding to know what EMU is doing about public safety.

“I’m too scared to go to class,” EMU senior Mike Petersen said. “The university needs to issue everyone A’s for the semester and cancel the rest of the school year.”

EMU Director of Media Relations, Geoff Larcom, disagrees with the growing anti-dinosaur sentiment spreading around campus.

“It should be noted that EMU leads the country in providing its students safety against attacks from creatures from the Mesozoic era,” Larcom said. “While we are considerate of student concern for the creature that may be residing in the lake, EMU prides itself in being a diverse campus that welcomes all types of potential students and believes in promoting an all-inclusive campus environment.”

This report is part of a special Halloween edition of the Eastern Echo and is satirical in nature.

Comments powered by Disqus