Being that we’re in college, it is very likely you’re living in a roommate situation. It is also very likely, at some point, you’re going to want to bring someone to the abode you share with your wonderful roommate.
If they are anything like this writer, your roommate would rather defenestrate or exsanguinate you than deal with you and your friend(s) gallivanting around your shared spaces. Nor would they take kindly to being woken up at 4 a.m. on the morning of a big exam by the dulcet tones of your raucous monkey sex.
It’s not really fair to have a no-visitor policy, but it’s also not very fair to ignore your roommate’s sense of comfort or safety. What’s a hot and horny college kid like you to do when you want to get to something poppin’? Well, obviously, you keep reading because I’ve put together a list of clever and time-tested ways get a piece and keep the peace.
One of the biggest problems we often overlook is how our roommates feel about sexuality. Since Eastern Michigan University has such a wide mixture of cultures, ethnicities, ages and education levels, it’s very likely you will room with someone who has different views on sex than you do.
This is something you’d want to talk about before moving in, but if you’re in the dorms you might not have gotten a choice. In that case, you would want to have a chat with your roommate as soon as possible and let him or her know where you’re coming from and give them a chance to do the same.
It’s unlikely your roommate will be too squeamish about company, unless you share a bedroom, but if he or she is you can work out simple solutions.
If abstinence is the best way to prevent STIs and pregnancy, then abstaining from having sex while your roommate is around would be the best way to not annoy him/her.
This will not always be an option, but it is foolproof… unless your roommate comes home early to find you having sex in his/her room. In that case, he/she would rightfully be annoyed and you would be deservedly homeless.
You can go about this in one of several ways. You could make sure to only have your sex partners around during periods your roommate is normally out of the house. Use the time he/she is in class or at work to enjoy some blueberry yum-yums.
You could also plan for your roommates to be out of the house. If you know you have someone — or multiple someones — coming over for a sexy party, you simply ask for some alone time. This can be a bit intrusive if your roommate is a homebody, but if this is a rare event, he/she will probably be accommodating.
You could offer to do extra chores or pay an extra $20 on rent and utilities. Since time and money are two things a college kid can never have enough of, this should get you what you want.
The third choice is tricky, because it involves a bit of stealth. Unless you’re a ninja, it’s unlikely to work but you can try. All you have to do is simply invite people over once your roommate has gone to bed. If your guest(s) are gone before the roommate rises from their slumber, he/she will be none the wiser. This is a good plan in theory, but it could easily be foiled if you make too much noise.
Noise has to be most common complaint about people having sex. The bed frame might squeak, one or all of the participants might be very vocal, there might be some spanking and certain vibrating toys can be incredibly loud. All these noises can cause issues, but luckily I have a solution for all of them.
If your bed frame squeaks, get rid of it. A mattress and bedspring on the floor is the quietest way to have sex in a bed. If the sound complaint comes from below you, take your mattress to the floor. Mattresses are usually silent and will deaden any sound of movement. Then again, you could always have sex in places that are not your bed and don’t squeak, which could prove to be more fun.
If the bothersome sound is coming from the movement of the bed, move your bed away from wall and put coasters under the feet. This would prevent the bed from knocking on the wall and disperse the weight of the bed to a larger area on the floor, possibly reducing floorboard squeaking.
If your partner is very loud or vocal, you can start by asking him/her to shut up. If they don’t respect, then you should probably drop him/her. If he/she genuinely wants to stop but can’t help it, you should pat yourself on the back and then help him/her. Try resting your hand over his/her mouth without blocking his/her nose; this will block a lot of the direct sound waves and lower the volume dramatically.
They could try holding a pillow to his/her face or putting his/her face in the mattress. This would also help cut the direct sound, but could make both parties feel distant. I would not recommend you putting a pillow over his/her face or pushing their head into the mattress, as you could accidentally asphyxiate him/her, which would suck.
Also, unless you’re guest starring on “Law & Order,” who has time for a murder investigation these days?
Someone once told me she put her panties in her boyfriend’s mouth to keep him quiet. I cannot recommend this unless they are unworn or freshly laundered. I know it’s not much different from putting your mouth directly to the genitals, which, according to current research, about 76 percent of us college-age folk do on a regular basis. But my knowledge of the bacteria in a human body makes me more cautious about garments that cover the orifices that excrete waste. Until science
proves me wrong, I cannot put my seal of approval on that particular remedy.
If a vibrating toy is causing the sound pollution, try some music. Yes, this could help for the first two issues, but it is much more effective with the low hum of vibrating toys. Pretty much any music would do, but it helps if it’s mood music. I suggest you try out the Sunday Sex playlist at bit.ly/sundayplaylist or the birthday sex playlist at bit.ly/birthdayplaylist. Both have been road-tested for maximum sexiness and noise cancellation.
If none of these issues is the problem, then your roommate is probably just tired of you having people over. It can get very annoying very quickly to have someone’s partner(s) over five nights a week. This is worsened if you have a small living space, one bathroom or you share food costs.
In this situation, I recommend you limit your sleepovers to four times a week maximum, twice a week is preferable.
If you suspect your partner(s) are over too much, make sure to ask your roommates how they feel about it.
If you have some tips I forgot to mention here or questions on another topic, let me know.
I am in need of your sex questions. Any and all questions are welcome and will be answered. Jerome@ltasex.info, twitter.com/ltasex and facebook.com/ltasexinfo.
Until next week, keep it sexy EMU.
