No one could deny Violet and Sevrey were an odd match, not because one was a democrat and one a republican, or one was tall and the other quite short. Violet and Sevrey made a rather odd couple because, individually, both were rather odd.
Whether under the pretense of a morbid fascination or affected by some sort of psychosis, the pair enjoyed nothing more than performing endless arrays of death-defying stunts. Base diving, mountain climbing, motorcycle jumping-they had done it all. However, the older they became the more boring each new near-death experience seemed to become. Violet and
Sevrey grew desperate for thrills, became more heinous in their attempts; battling stampedes, Russian roulette dinner parties, knife throwing lessons.
When the couple met, their dare devil stunts turned into dangerous pranks, both trying to outdo the other… and at their partner’s expense.
Violet and Sevrey’s wedding was the perfect reflection of their affections. Neither of them very excited about festivities, they only agreed to a wedding so long as they could have a little fun. They were married in the bride’s parents’ backyard under the already existing decorations, a wooden archway and countless white and purple peonies, in their customary dress attire. Her mother, a pleasant, plump little woman, who had danced around the house since news of the engagement was made public, made sure to invite every family member they had, even her very crabby Aunt Cheryl who sat in the very front row, frowning so hard that her much wrinkled face resembled a very unpleasant, sleeping bulldog.
The priest began the ceremony with the usual greetings, starting with “Dearly beloved we are gathered here today…” and ending in a very sappy speech about love, marriage and togetherness that consequently rang with squeals of tearful joy from the bride and groom’s mothers. The vows, however, were very odd indeed, the couple having found it very funny to tweak the words to their specifications before the ceremony began.
“Ehh,” the priest groaned uncertainly at the groom after briefly skimming the revisal. The groom merely grinned at him and nodded his head, looking back at his wife, who now had a playful look about her. When the priest did not continue the groom began without him, his voice confident and lofty, his script memorized.
“I, Sevrey, take you Violet to be my unlawful wed-ely wife. To have and to strangle-hold, for better or worse, in wealth and in squalor, in times of mucus and dysentery, to love and cherish till death do us part.”
Violet, following her fiancé’s lead, began her vows, “I, Violet, take you Sevrey to be my love-reaper king, to have and to keep, for worse or much worse, in times of war and peace, even though you are very sick indeed, to love and cherish till death do us part.”
Without receiving any feedback from the now wide-eyed priest, Sevrey gave a slight cough and proceeded with their dismantled vows. “I, Sevrey, give you, Violet, this ring as a symbol of my commitment to love, honor and respect you. With this ring I thee wed.”
“I, Violet, give you Sevrey this ring as a symbol of my commitment to love, Lord over you and disrespect you. With this ring I thee…
BOOM!
A miniature mushroom cloud erupted from beneath the wooden arch. The wedding party leaped from their spots beside the bride and groom, shielding their faces from debris. The guests, who were seated at a safe distance from the couple simply sat very still, staring in awe as if in front of a magic show where the magician has just cut the beautiful assistant in half to show you her insides.
When the dust cleared the priest was huddling under his bible, clutching it with white knuckles as if it were a shield. The bride, who was covered head to toe in black chalk burst into a horrid fit of laughter, clutching her belly to try and suppress her convulsions. The groom held his hand in the air and everyone at once realized what had caused the commotion. He no longer had a ring finger. The ring, which had been a miniature explosive, had blown his finger through the dust cloud and out into the front row of the audience. He scanned the crowd looking for his fallen digit, finding it in his wife’s crankygreat-aunt’s lap. The woman followed his eyes with a curious, terrified expression.
When she spotted the finger in her lap side she let out a small shriek and collapsed in her chair.
At this moment the groom cackled along with his new wife, filled with a new sense of vigor he stepped back onto the podium, grabbed her by the waist, a proud smile playing across her face, proclaimed, “I now pronounce you man and wife,” and he kissed the bride.
