Protect yourself from attacks by ninja squirrels


Two articles ago I mentioned ninja squirrels without any explanation at all. So, either everyone on campus is aware of them or is too busy with life to e-mail me about something so incredibly mundane. Therefore, I feel an explanation is needed.

A ninja squirrel is an ordinary squirrel through human cohabitation and diet that has lost or reduced its fear of humanity, and in the process enhanced its natural abilities to the levels of a Bruce Lee-like ninja.

For now, these ninja squirrels are content to live the life of an ordinary squirrel, but what if they decided they wanted more? What if these squirrels, either singly or in tandem, rose up against their human superiors to claim their place on the hierarchy of pest? Humanity must be prepared, and that’s what I’m here for.

The first hurtle is understanding there is not one species of squirrel in Michigan but four: the red squirrel, the fox squirrel, the grey squirrel, the black squirrel and the flying squirrel, which glides. Different tactics must be remembered with these species and for individual and group attacks.

For most species of squirrel, a flamethrower is both efficient and maniacally hilarious, as anyone who has ever played “Prairie Dog Hunt” can attest to. They didn’t have flamethrowers but had the .44 Magnum, a gun good for close range but against individuals and small groups. A shotgun is also a similar option and equally as cool. For larger groups, automatic and precise weapons are preferred, though at short range a flamethrower is acceptable.

The problem is the flying squirrel. While other squirrels can attack from the ground and trees, flying squirrels can attack from several trees away. Obviously, avoiding trees with high ninja squirrel sightings is important. The flamethrower is still useful, but for airborne threats, the best option is avoid the squirrel until forced onto land or a nearby tree, then fight on equal footing.

Paramount to the survival of a ninja squirrel onslaught is cooperation with others, group tactics, automatic weaponry and lots of ammunition.

Though the ninja squirrel assault may never come, one must be prepared that times are changing and squirrels are rodents— fast breeding creatures of surprising intellect. Though they may outnumber us, they will never be able to fully outthink us or hopefully have opposable thumbs, so their ability to use weaponry beyond nature is unlikely.

The ninja squirrel invasion does not have to be the end of mankind. As long as we are vigilant, prepared, play first person shooters and imagine our enemies as ninja squirrels, the ninja squirrel invasion will be defeated and humanity will prevail.

Now, if it’s zombie ninja squirrels, then we might have a problem. If you’ve played Left 4 Dead, you’ll probably be fine.

And no, I have not lost my mind. I just left it with my last midterm. It should be on the sixth floor of Pray-Harrold’s lost and found. I’ll get it Monday.

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