Pooping is the great equalizer. Everyone, no matter how beautiful, successful or talented, has to drop off the Browns at the Super Bowl once a day or so. When that primal urge strikes while you’re on campus, it can be difficult to scope out that perfect toilet for you. But have no fear! Here is a comprehensive comparison of the best and worst porcelain thrones at Eastern Michigan University.
Best décor: The award for the most beautiful restroom is, without question, the bathrooms on the main floor of Quirk Theatre. It feels like a bathroom suited for actors of a Hollywood caliber, right here in the epicenter of our own acting culture. You can practice your lines in the gorgeous mirror and sit on one of the
pretty chairs like the star you are.
Best place to take a relaxing poop: King Hall’s fourth floor men’s bathroom is, without a doubt, the classiest place to relieve yourself with smooth jazz piped into the spacious room by our friends at WEMU 89.1 FM, the university’s radio station, adding to the atmosphere. Sadly, the women’s bathroom does not have the same luxury—get on that, WEMU.
Least traffic: Some people don’t like answering the call of nature with others around and that’s OK. If you want a bathroom where no one goes to, the fourth floor of Pierce Hall is your winner. Nobody goes to Pierce Hall aside from dealing with admission or financial matters, and once you deal with those, you get out of there. That’s why this quiet little corner of the universe is perfect for private pooping purposes, and as a bonus, it’s pretty well-maintained and generally smells nice (by comparison).
Most traffic: If you don’t like other people overhearing those gross sounds your body produces while defecating, stay far, far away from Pray-Harrold’s bathrooms. It seems like a no-brainer that the amount of people who swarm the bathrooms daily is huge, since the building is easily one of the most-used on campus.
Creepiest bathroom: If you’re the kind of person who takes late-night poops, be sure to stay away from Sherzer Hall. The building, originally built in 1903, is among the creepiest on campus and the bathrooms are complete with old discolored brick and eerie florescent lighting. That being said, Sherzer and its bathrooms have their charms, especially if you like the old-school feeling.
Worst bathroom to navigate: Moving through the lower level of Quirk’s restroom is like trying to steer an oil tanker through a small creek. There is no room between the sinks and stalls, and you’ll probably awkwardly bump into anyone else who has the misfortune of being in that bathroom at the same time. The walk up the stairs to the nice bathrooms on the upper level is definitely, definitely worth it.
Worst location: The bathrooms at the Commons are out the door and downstairs. If you want to use the restroom while eating there, you have to awkwardly tell the cashier you just need to leave to relieve yourself and you’ll be right back, after which you have to go down all of the stairs and travel down a sort of creepy tunnel that almost gives Sherzer a run for its money. After you vacate your bladder and/or bowels, you run back down that tunnel as fast as you can, up the stairs, and hope the cashier remembers who you are and doesn’t think you’re just trying to sneak in to get free food. At that point, you really should have just held it.
Best dorm bathrooms: The Village, for all its other perks, has the added benefit of two bathrooms. No further argument is needed.
Worst dorm bathrooms: The Towers offer the luxury of a private room with a full-size bed and an awesome view of everything ever. That being said, you’re going to have to learn to live with a less-than-pleasant tiny bathroom shared with your suitemate. And not to mention, the hot water in the showers are pretty sketchy.
Best overall bathroom: Welch Hall’s bathroom, while not as nicely-decorated as Quirk’s regal restroom, has little traffic (seriously, have you even been to Welch?) and tends to smell nice for a place utilized for pooping purposes. This one is definitely a winner.
Worst overall john: Alexander Music Building’s bathrooms—all of them-are dull, poorly-lit and usually kind of smell weird. They’re good for getting your basic duties done and double as a makeshift practice room for a music student looking for a place with more echo, but they’re not worth going out of your way to experience.
Did we leave out your favorite or least favorite on-campus bathroom? Let us know in the comments section.