I’m deep in the throes of a funk. Things haven’t been going as well for me as I would like them to. I know that I’m not unique in this: people go through funks all the time, and I try to be there for the people I care for as best I can.
It’s really hard, though.
I’m fortunate to have some really good friends, and they usually feel comfortable opening up to me about their troubles. I’m glad to be there to listen, too. But the problem is me.
I’ve always found it difficult, if not impossible, to ask for help when I need it. I’ve always taken care of myself and never relied on others. My independence has become a part of who I am.
Unfortunately, you can’t always shoulder all of your burdens on your own. Everybody needs help once in a while. I’m finding myself in situations where I need help, but I don’t know how to ask for it.
“That’s stupid,” you might be thinking to yourself. After all, how hard is it to open your mouth and just say, “I need help”? But it’s never really that simple, is it?
First of all, while there may be a panoply of people willing to be there for you, you can’t open up to just anyone, right? Some people don’t get you, some people always say the wrong things and sometimes you just don’t feel comfortable with some people.
In a sense, finding a friend to open up to is kind of like dating. There are a lot of really great people, but connection is as much a matter of timing as anything else. It’s about finding the right person at the right time for whatever your need is at that point in your life.
Finding the right person to open up to is a tough job! So what I end up doing is dropping hints in the hopes that someone is going to pick them up and ask me what’s wrong.
I know, that’s a stupid way to ask for help. If I were to try that approach in dating, I would probably end up with a restraining order and some woman’s shotgun-wielding dad hunting me down.
Be that as it may, it’s what I do. The problem is that the conversation always seems to stray to whatever is on that person’s mind. I end up being the supportive friend and it kind of pisses me off, sometimes. Of course, that makes me feel guilty: Another burden on already overloaded shoulders.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not asking for anyone’s sympathy here. I realize that this problem is of my own making. But if I had to guess, I would lay money on the fact that I’m not the only one out there who does the passive-aggressive cry-for-help thing.
So what can we do to help make things better for everyone?
Well, the first thing we can all do is to try to be better about not playing hide-the-ball. Ask people for what you need and don’t expect them to be a mind-reader and figure it out on their own. Or, at least, if you’re going to play that game, don’t be upset because someone else couldn’t figure out something that has been so expertly hid from them.
Aside from that, though, we can try to do a better job of putting our own issues aside once in a while and caring more about the people around us.
If a friend needs you and opens up to you, put your issues aside and wait your turn in line. Don’t hijack the conversation and make it all about you. That’s a sure-fire way to tell your friends that you don’t care about them, and discourage them from opening up to you in the future.
Communication is not a one-way street, and if we all do a better job of using all available lanes, I think we’ll all find that everyone can get where they’re going and help our friends out along the way.
And if anyone needs me, I’ll be at the rest stop up ahead enjoying the view. Stop by and let’s share our thoughts over a cup of coffee.
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