Well, it’s almost Valentine’s Day, which means it’s time for me to give my annual soapbox speech about how wonderful Valentine’s Day is.
It’s time for me to tell all the romantically challenged people of the world to appreciate the day for what it is.
Stop being a hater. Suck it up and deal with the deluge of sap thick enough to clog even Mr. Butterworth’s arteries. It’s one day. Let us have it, enjoy it and live in peace. You guys can bitch about your gender of choice for the other 364.
To be honest with you, I don’t have the stomach for it anymore. I’ve been writing this column for more than five years now, making this the sixth Valentine’s Day installment of TMP. It’s obvious that I’m fighting a losing battle.
It has become clear to me that I have absolutely no hope of convincing the V-Day haters (no, I will not refer to it as VD) that this holiday is a good thing.
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. I’m done swimming upstream. I’m going to go with the flow and take a different approach.
I have the good grace of being attached this year, for the first time since I began writing TMP. I could play it cool and plan a wonderfully romantic night in for the two of us.
I’m going the other way, though. I’m going to compile as much red, frilly, love-related clothing and accessories as I can find, layer them until I look like a crimson creampuff and be as over-the-top, disgustingly romantic and affectionate with my girlfriend as possible.
If I don’t get at least 10 shouts of “Get a room,” I will consider the day a complete and utter failure.
It’s us against them! The time for diplomacy has passed and it is time for war!
No more negotiations and debate, I am pulling out the big guns (take that in whatever way you want) and bucking for an NC-17 rating this Sunday.
I understand that some people might be upset about this approach, but I tried to be reasonable in the past. You weren’t willing to listen and you insist on holding your anti-Valentine parties and your “love sucks” campaigns.
It’s clear that our respective beliefs are so strongly opposed as to be irreconcilable. I’m willing to concede that propriety insists us Romantics keep the PDA at an appropriate level during the rest of the year, but this is our day.
This is the one day of the year when it is acceptable to stand up and, in the words of The Format, shout, “I love love. I love being in love. I don’t care what it does to me.”
I would encourage all of you who feel the same to do the same.
Love-haters, consider this your fair warning. This Sunday, the tables are turned. If you’re not a fan of PDA, the you better hole up for the day, because this Valentine’s Day, the weather report calls for a blizzard of affection.
And I’m going to be playing in the snow all day long.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
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