I used to think people could change. You know, really change.
I mean, I’ve changed a lot in the past few years, maybe an unhealthy amount. I’ve been through countless careers, residences, hobbies, friend groups and relationships, and I’ve even returned to school to do a complete 180 in my life’s path.
Change isn’t easy. True change usually only happens after something pretty dramatic, and I’ve had way too much drama lately.
Still, I’m not the same man I was four years ago. So if I can change, why can’t anyone?
I was talking with my friend from Grand Rapids the other night. She doesn’t think people can change who they are fundamentally.
My gut instinct was to argue with her, and not just because I like to argue. I mean, of course people can change. I’m living proof of it.
But then I started thinking about my own changes. How many of them are truly fundamental changes? How many are changes of who I am, deep down inside?
Perhaps part of who I am at my core is someone who needs new experiences and challenges. If that’s the case, then are my “changes” really changes at all or do they just prove my friend’s point?
It’s funny, because the more I thought about it, the more I realized I’ve been proving her point for years.
Sort of.
I’ve long been a proponent of the idea that the habits and behaviors we begin developing from our first days on Earth stick with us for the rest of our lives. It’s part of why parents need to instill discipline in their kids from day one. Those kids are learning lessons and developing habits from their first breath, and it’s those lessons and habits that determine who they will become later in life.
OK, in all honesty, it’s more that I just need a reason to get pissed at parents who let their kids run around screaming in the least appropriate places. Still, the premise is sound.
We don’t get more mature as we age, just more refined at the same games. Maybe there’s no such thing as maturity, just different skill levels.
And isn’t that really what my friend from Grand Rapids was saying?
The point applies to relationships, too. I can’t tell you how often I hear people complaining about their significant other, and I wonder: If things are so bad that you have to complain about them, what are you still doing together?
Or maybe you’re just complaining to the wrong person.
Be that as it may, some people make sense together and some people don’t. It’s not my place (or anyone else’s, for that matter) to judge, but it’s worth asking yourself the question.
Does he get you, or doesn’t he?
If you’re with someone who just doesn’t get you, you’re a fool if you expect that person to change and suddenly figure you out. But if you’re with someone who does, there isn’t much that isn’t worth the effort.
After all, it’s a lot easier to make something work than to change what it is.