All of my friends seem to be going through breakups lately, and I worry about them.
Some are having a lot of trouble with the end of a relationship, some are downright happy and some have simply accepted it. I’ve been on the giving, and receiving, end of quite a few breakups and my experiences have run the gamut, so it got me wondering.
I remember when I broke up with my first love, Tomi Lynn. It was something straight out of a movie. It was a rainy night and I walked her back to her car. She told me how much she Loved me as her tears mixed with the rain streaming down her face.
The she looked down at her rain-soaked blouse, took it off, climbed topless into her car, and drove away into the night.
True story.
While most people are never left with such an indelible image after the fact, we’ve all got our fair share of horror stories. I’m sure most of us even have some good ones. Maybe I’ll share my story of the Best Breakup Ever some day. But the purpose of today’s column is not to talk about good breakups, or even to relate stories about how some harpie shredded my heart like ice in a margarita. It’s to ask a question.
What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to break up with someone?
I think the only way to learn from our mistakes is if we admit them to ourselves, so my answer is simple. Closure, or lack thereof.
I used to think that it was unfair if I left the door open even the slightest bit because it might give my ex false hope of a reunion. With that in mind, I worked very hard on breaking up in the most firm, absolute manner possible, and refusing to engage in any discussion about it afterward.
It wasn’t until someone returned the favor that I realized how unfair I was being.
Her name was Debra and I Loved her more than I have words to describe. Our connection was intense and I could honestly imagine us growing old and exploring the world together.
That’s why I was so surprised when she simply stopped talking to me. She wouldn’t pick up the phone, wouldn’t return texts or e-mails and refused to see me.
It was devastating.
It was then that I realized how important that final conversation is. The one where you get to say, “But I thought we would be together forever;” or “You told me you Loved me,” or even “I know you still Love me. We’re meant to be together.”
Those sentiments always made me feel uncomfortable because I always felt they were desperate attempts to cling to something that was dead. And maybe, to a certain extent, they are.
More importantly, though, they are the dumpee’s last chance to say everything on their mind. It’s that last chance to get rid of regrets and not have to look back on that talk and wonder what could have been if only I’d said…
It’s what we need for closure.
I’m guilty of denying many women that opportunity, and I’ve come to understand that there is nothing that I could have done that could be more hurtful. If you are going to get involved with someone, you have a responsibility toward them. You owe them the decency and courtesy of respecting their feelings. Ever since Debra left me, that’s my goal.
So what about you? What’s the worst thing you’ve ever done to break up with someone?